Every thought going through my head during lockdown

‘I swear my fridge just said “What the fuck do you want now?!”‘ – Anon.

Shit, I’ve got a bit of a sore throat…

Have I got coronavirus?! I fucking hope not. E said it was like two sumo wrestlers sitting on her chest… Fuck, now my chest feels tight… Okay, breathe, you’re being melodramatic. It’s probably just your hay fever. Take an antihistamine and chill out. Should I update the COVID-19 app to say I have a sore throat? No, it’s fine. Focus on what you’re meant to be doing…

Urgh, my back really hurts. Sitting on these wooden dining chairs is so uncomfortable. I wonder if a pillow would help? Ah, soft relief… I feel like I’m really hunching over my laptop these days. What if working from home during lockdown turns me into a hunchback? I should be more conscious of my posture. Am I sitting up straight? Maybe it’d be comfier to work sitting on my bed… At least it’s softer than these fucking chairs…

‘Do you want a cup of tea?’

Christ, is it that time already?! 3pm, where has this day gone. I’ve not done half the things I put on my to-do list! Yeah, a cup of tea would be nice actually. Maybe a biscuit too. Who am I kidding? It’s definitely going to be more than one biscuit. Good job I’m mostly wearing leggings these days, I’ve definitely put weight on.

Should I try eating less? No! Eating is my primary source of joy! I’ll eat what I want. More cheese? Um, yes please, and some wine too, thanks. Spending £20 on this bottle of wine wasn’t extravagant was it? I never normally spend so much money on a bottle of wine to drink at home… But buying food is one of the only things I’m spending my money on right now… And I am supporting a local business… Fuck it, it’s fine! And this wine really is delicious. So is this Comte actually. Imagine a world without cheese… That’d be a terrible world.

My skin is so bad at the moment. I don’t understand it! I’ve not worn make up in yonks! In fact, when was the last time I wore make up? God knows. Why are there so many spots?! Must be all the cheese and chocolate I’m eating… If Mum were here she’d tell me I’m not eating enough vegetables. Okay, I must have a salad for dinner tonight to counteract all the cheese and chocolate…

Ohh, someone else is baking sourdough!

I’ve not done any baking! Am I doing lockdown wrong? Everyone else is posting beautiful photos of bread on their Instagram feeds. I really can’t be fucked to make bread though… I can just buy it from the shop across the road! And I hate bananas, so I’m not making banana bread. I wonder if there are any new voice over TikTok videos? Those are really funny…

Shit, have I just spent an entire hour watching TikTok videos made by ex-Love Islanders and C-list celebs? Is it weird that they made me smile? Urgh, now I have that stupid song stuck in my head! Oh look, Meggie Foster has a new voice over video up! Man she’s good! Love these voice over videos… People are getting so creative in lockdown! Oh balls, that’s another hour gone! How does that even happen?! I should really be more productive…

Wow, Trump’s off again!

Fucking hell, he’s an actual lunatic. The President of the United States just called someone a ‘wacko’ in his tweet! What the actual… I really hope he is not re-elected in November. Christ, what if he is? How bad does he actually have to be to not get re-elected?! How do his supporters not see what a complete and utter piece of shit he is? Okay, time to get off Twitter…

What’s the actual news saying? BBC, coming at ya… Honestly, the BBC has literally turned into the coronavirus reporting service. Where’s all the other news at? Isn’t there meant to be a cyclone in India right now? What’s Joe Biden doing? How’re the Brexit negotiations going? God only knows… Oh well, looks like Starmer roasted Boris in PMQs again today, so that’s good.

As if it is lunch time already! Where has the morning gone?! What shall I have for lunch? Another sandwich, sure. Another cup of tea as well? Why the hell not. More chocolate? Yep, might as well. Wow, my back is sore. I wish I had a proper desk and a comfier chair. Man our flat is small, there’s literally no room for any extra furniture! How am I going to cope working at home for the rest of the year?!

Doorbell! Which delivery is it today?

That cheese I ordered? Or the pasta making kit… I hope it’s the pasta making kit, I still have a kilo of cheese left over from the Neal’s Yard ‘Save British Cheese’ delivery last week! God, I might not be baking banana bread or sourdough, but I am absolutely a bit of a middle class wanker sometimes. A kilo of cheese?! What a dick. Okay, it is not the pasta making kit… I really need to email them and find out where it is, I ordered it like, a month ago. Wash my hands, don’t know where this delivery has been…

There is SO MUCH dust around the flat. I should get a feather duster… The flat really needs a good clean! Oh but… There’s the last episode of Tiger King to watch! I’ll watch that and then I’ll clean. Cool. I’ll have some more chocolate while I watch it. It’s a treat! Hmm, I’m definitely going to be at least a stone heavier when lockdown ends. Also, Joe Exotic is absolutely insane. I literally cannot believe this show! They’re all crazy. Carole Baskin definitely killed her husband too.

Oh shit, there’s some new TikTok video where people are dancing and singing about Carole Baskin killing her husband… Okay, let’s watch these… Everyone seems to be doing them! So many to watch… Bollocks. As if another hour has just passed! I really need to get a life! Okay, I should really clean now…

Ohh! I should buy some new furniture for my bedroom!

I could give my room a makeover! That’d be fun. Or, maybe I should just clean my room first. I could rearrange the furniture… Let’s just have a look at furniture online though. It’s fun to browse!

Wow! It’s five days until pay day and I still have £200 in my account. That’s insane! I never have that much money at this stage in the month normally. I should pay off more of my credit card. Or… I could transfer the money into my current account and buy some new furniture for my bedroom… I don’t really have much room for new furniture, but fuck it. YOLO, I’ll transfer the money and buy the shelves I want. And maybe a takeaway too, why not. I can’t be bothered with cooking again today. Ah, cool, £20 remaining until pay day, that’s more like it!

Urgh, I’ve still not cleaned my room! Okay, I’ll have my takeaway and then I’ll tidy up. Oh no, more breaking news… What’s this? Dominic Cummings travelled two hundred plus miles to Durham during lockdown? While he HAD coronavirus? WTF?! Well, that’s just undermined everything the government has told us about staying home and saving lives. What an absolute clusterfuck this government is. And now they’re all defending Cummings?! What the hell?! That’s inexcusable. It feels like maybe they’re gaslighting the general public? Is that really what they’re doing? Can a government gaslight an entire nation? Jesus.

Fuck this.

I am so ANGRY.

Maybe I should go for a walk to let off some steam. It is really nice out – classic Britain! Lock us in our houses and the sunshine blasts for weeks on end, just when we can’t really enjoy it! Nah, I’ll go out, a walk will do me good. But it was so busy last time… The park was heaving! Perhaps I should go later when it’s a bit quieter out. It is nice when I go out though. The blossoms are so pretty!

I really need to go to the shop too, what’s the queue like? Urgh, long! Can’t be arsed. This is the worst thing about lockdown. All I want is a Lucozade Orange and I bet that’s not deemed ‘essential’. Hmm, we are running low on milk. That’s essential. Okay, I’ll get some milk too and then they can’t judge me.

Should I be wearing a mask? What about those disposable gloves I saw a guy wearing the other day? I hope I’m not too close to that person. How far away is two metres anyway? Yes, I know that’s a stupid question… Sometimes it’s hard to gauge though! Wow, that was close, he just leaned right over me! He could’ve said ‘excuse me!’. This is impossible, the aisle is far too narrow to keep a respectable distance. I’ll stand here and wait for it to clear… Oh fuck it, I don’t really need milk anyway. I’ll just get the Lucozade Orange and deal with the judgement.

Home. Wash my hands, quick! Twenty seconds, let’s go. My hands are so dry these days. All this washing is aging them! They’re so wrinkly! ‘Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me…’. What a load of bollocks. They’re clean now. That’ll do. Mmm, Lucozade Orange is so delicious!

Wow, did I really just go outdoors looking like that?!

What are nice clothes anyway these days? I can’t even remember the last time I wore those white trainers. My poor white trainers… I wonder when the pubs will reopen so I can wear nice clothes again? Maybe put some make up on too…?

As if the day is nearly over already. Honestly, where does the time go? One minute it’s midday and I’m just rolling out of bed, the next it’s 3am and we’re pissed and looking at stars on the iPad app! My sleeping patterns have gone all out of whack. What day is it even? I have no idea. Lockdown is just passing in an absolute blur!

Hmm, I’ve got a headache. And I’m sneezing a lot. Shit, have I got coronavirus? Have I finally caught it? Hmm, no. That headache will be the hangover from last night… The sneezing is just your hay fever. Phew. I’m okay! Definitely don’t need to log it on the COVID-19 symptom tracker… Right?!

Postscript: As well as this jumble of thoughts from lockdown, I’ve also been dreaming of all the trips I want to take and the destinations I want to travel to once we’re allowed again. You can read my bucket list here!